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Breaking News • NEW ISSUE COMING SOON!!!!

Embryo Sells Million Dollar Spec
In what is believed to be the biggest deal ever made in utero, Hollywood’s youngest screenwriter just sold the rights to his pre-life story. In a pitch meeting that took place at Cedars Sinai via ultrasound, the scribe, who has yet to be identified as male or female, made quite an impression on the studio. "His point of view is one of the freshest I’ve ever seen" said one exec. Although the talented fetus couldn’t be reached for comment, his representatives tell us that he is eagerly awaiting his third trimester and is already hard at work on a sequel, tentatively titled "Afterbirth."

Ankles ABC
After the sudden exodus of Brad Thompson, exec turned writer turned back to exec, there is much speculation concerning his departure. In a statement released Thursday, ABC announced that Thompson was fired. In a statement released Friday, Thompson announced that in actuality, he resigned. Inside sources reveal that Thompson did quit but only after being fired.
Strikers Still Stuck
After months of being at a complete stalemate, SAG and advertisers have agreed to settle their differences by a flip of a coin. This decision came only after extensive negotiations from both camps. While SAG originally wanted to settle the dispute using the time tested "eenie, meenie, miney, mo", advertisers balked, demanding instead the classic "rock, paper, scissors". Emotions started escalating when one of the arbitrators, who alleged he was on his way to a vending machine, accidentally dropped some change on the floor. In what seemed like a small miracle, everyone decided unanimously to end the stalemate with a coin toss. Next week talks resume as both sides try to agree on who gets to be "heads".

Enough already with this talk of the industry being in a slump. Stop sugar coating it --Life as we know it is over. The time to panic is now. Things in Hollywood are not just "getting ugly", they’re downright apocalyptic. The convergence of three unions striking at once is unprecedented. It’s like The Perfect Storm and we’re all on the Andrea Gail.

But don’t be a drama queen, there’s plenty of things you can do. 1. Sell your house. 2. Liquidate your portfolio. 3. See if that brother in law in the corrugated box business back east is still willing to hire you. Mine isn’t.

Most importantly, abandon all hope and accept the reality that this time, the sky really is falling. Above the line, below the line, on the fringe of the business - we’re all screwed. Even if you’re a non-pro, you better worry about the value of your home plummeting. Advertising that your house is "studio close" won’t mean squat if there’s nothing going on at the studios.

I’ll tell you what I’m doing, I’ve got six months left of health insurance. If there ever was a time to get that irregular mole on my neck biopsied, now’s it. Even if it comes back benign, as long as it’s covered I’m getting a preventative dose of chemo.

So let me clear things up for you. If you’re worried about your agent cutting you; stop worrying. You’re already cut. As for that paper loss your stock broker tells you not to lose sleep over; wake up. Sell now while you still got something to sell.

But just for a minute, let’s look at the glass half full. We haven’t had a noteworthy earthquake in over six years. This global warming thing isn’t looking as bad as they thought. And come to think of it, we haven’t heard boo about those killer bees coming from Mexico.

But they’re on their way. Bet on it. So don’t tell me to relax.

RGA Forms
Although it’s not intended as a threat, the up and comers responsible for the proliferation of reality programs are strongly advising all TV writers to pack up their belongings and go back to where they came from. The recently formed RGA (Reality Guild of America), the most powerful union to date, is currently seeking new members -- as long as they have never worked in the industry, don’t have an ounce of creative talent, and are willing to exploit every shred of human dignity under the guise of entertainment.

© 2008 Daily Anxiety. All rights reserved.

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